Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
