Porn is love you can see.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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