I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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