You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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