smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
