We won't sleep together?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
