Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
