he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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