I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
