ya dads aren't the best wingmen
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
