I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
