I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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