Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
time to smoke my breakfast
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
