Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
