In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
