I can text with my tongue
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
