Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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