My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
