last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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