before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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