I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize