life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
