he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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