I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
