i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Buhtt sex?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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