i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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