She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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