party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
