Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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