this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
