I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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