cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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