guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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