Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
