wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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