pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just cut my nipple shaving
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
