this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize