Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
