I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
