I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
porn star boner night. come get it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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