seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
