Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize