grandma shit on top of the toilet
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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