bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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