I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
