Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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