You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
