I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
