Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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