ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
