either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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