just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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