Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize