Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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