Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
