I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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