i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Randomize
