Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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